I Am 'Back'

As I mentioned in my last post, it has been four years since I last blogged. It has really been four years since I felt anything like control in my life, which is hard. No matter how much I understand there is little that I do actually control, I am just one of those people who needs it. I need to be organized and I need to have time and energy to clear my brain. I'm an introvert, to the core introvert. I know, I know, we're a trendy breed right now, but I've been an introvert my whole life. I'm glad to see the mainstream finally realizing that there are many more of us than our societal founders thought, and we actually do bring a lot to the table. But, we're not going to force it on anyone and sometimes we won't even say anything unless we're asked. Now, I hear my family not stifling their very loud coughs of disagreement, but I'm different 'out there.' It takes a while for me to volunteer information, time or energy in situations that are new to me. But, once I'm in, I'm pretty much all in. So, for the last four years, I have been biding my time, I guess. Recovering, so to speak, from not having a moment to myself until my girls went to school ... for years! Then, as a reaction to this newfound time without the girls, I jumped into elementary school with both feet. I started out being in each classroom for 2 hours per week. Then, my wonderful 88 year old grandmother moved here from California and I started spending a lot of time with her as well. Helping her settle into a new life with four seasons, in a place where she too was surrounded by people. She has her own apartment, but her community is a busy place and, like me, she was slow to jump in. She has been a wonderful addition to my own and my family's life. We see her often and the girls have developed a relationship with her that is truly priceless. They are also getting to know old people in a way so uncommon in life today. I am so very grateful for this time we share. However, all of this has taken me away from being me. My anxiety went through the roof and I tried meditation, reading, counseling and finally medication. The medication helped instantly and I am so very glad I gave it a chance. Sometimes that is just the way we need to go. I was at the time and remain convinced that if I were a hermit far from society and responsibility of any kind, I could kick anxiety out the window and over the next mountain in no time. But we all know that isn't even close to reality, so meds to the rescue. While they did really turned the tide and helped immensely, I wasn't without some nasty side effects (like insomnia ... really!?!),so I got off for a couple years and then eventually, last fall, I had to get back on again. Again, it was a switch. The constant boiling that I felt in my chest disappeared and I could plan and think and live without such a high level of panic. Unfortunately, the side effects came back with full force and I kind of felt like I was moving through life in slow motion. I've always been a highly motivated, driven and productive person and all of a sudden, I realized that I was none of those things anymore. I did just enough to keep my family afloat and that's it. I stopped sewing and slowed even my work outs to a snail's pace. Around this time, I read "Cure: A Journey into the Science of Mind Over Body" by Jo Marchant. Talk about an awakening! This book confirmed everything I used to believe about myself was true (ever since I willed myself out of being ticklish as a child, I knew my mind was powerful!) And backed by science! All of a sudden I could see the toll both anxiety and the medication were having on me and my life. It dulled me, sure it made me calm down and not worry about a serious stock market crash every single day, or that my husband wouldn't come home from work every single night, or that my girls were still alive in their beds, but it also chopped off the top of that wave where I was energetic, productive and excited about doing things that made me happy. So, I slowly weaned myself off of the meds (a truly horrible process that I really never want to repeat) and started to think about what makes me, me. What is it that I am at my very core, not the mother/wife/friend/sister/daughter piece, but the who am I piece. Quite quickly, I came to the conclusion that what makes me, me is all the crazy! It is all of the driven, intense and productive things that make other people exhausted. I realize not everyone is like this and thank heavens that's true. But I am. And it is what makes me happy! This is not to say that I run around like a chicken without a head 24 hours a day, I'm an introvert for goodness's sake! I need alone time. I need slow, easy time with my whole family and with just my loving and incredibly patient husband. For maybe the first time since we had the girls, I think I'm back. I think I lost my voice, my self, my juju. But maybe I've found it now.

What makes you, you?

Ponder on,
Hannah