Again

4 June 2020

A match was lit with George Floyd’s last breath

Again the world shifted overnight

Again I look out at a new normal

Again I am faced with unanswerable questions

Perhaps the boredom of quarantine 

Provided just enough space

Forced people to watch, to see, to pay attention

The nation woke up

The streets swelled and overflowed

In the absence of leadership

Something will inevitably fill the void

Nature does not tolerate a vacuum

Compelled forward by inner knowing

Pulled back by the comfort of the status quo

I know this is a defining moment

I am confused by my own confusion

Silence means comfort

Silence means acceptance

Silence means compliance

Silence means complicity

I have never been known for my silence

Morning Run

31 May 2020

I took my white privilege for a run this morning

Alone, out along the country roads

Surrounded by sparrows and alfalfa 

To do some real thinking.

One foot in front of the other, 

Eyes open, gaze elsewhere, mind working overtime

I am always alone. 

I am never afraid.

I know I can think, undisturbed along the white line 

And no harm will come to me.

I feel ashamed, helpless, complicit.

Guilty for the color of my skin

Heartbroken for the communities of murdered Black people.

Devastated for their constant fear.

Furious that it just. keeps. happening.

Clay Pigeons

he tries to distract with the blue bird words

he tosses up like clay pigeons

to deflect our attention 

from the chaos, the rage, the reality

of his Great America.

Going Forward

We can long for the hugs of friends, the gathering to share a meal or a drink,

We can hope to jump into the car or on a flight to visit friends again soon

We can even be ready to go back to the office, to the doctor, to the DMV

But let us also remember the frantic, full schedules, the busyness and the pace

We suddenly have agency in how we will create life going forward

May we choose wisely, intentionally and with purpose 

Let us not pretend we want all things to go back to the way they were before

Let us not forget the parts of this time that have been revealing

Let us not pretend everything was great, good or even fine.

The Story

Day 73

What is the story we will tell of this time?

It is hard to look forward, through the blurriness of an uncertain future

tricky to look back around those pesky, rose colored glasses

So what is the story of now?

Our lack of perspective determines our responses

We cannot see the broader picture

Cannot feel the fault lines and do not know where the road branches or turns or ends

Can we claim it as a turning point,

Will we make it count?

Or will we wake up one day and carry on 

Believing it all to be a dream?

Wild West

Day 72

The ground beneath me undulates 

Details shift this way and that

Elusive answers remain just around the next set of data points

There is no solid place to rest

If I have antibodies, does that change anything?

Like the wild west, everyone plays by their own rules

Proclaiming personal freedoms and demanding service

American values flash bright and ugly

The internet provides a headline to confirm every possible opinion

What do we owe each other?

Decisions to be made every day

The girls begging to see friends

Desperate for connection

Slowly wilting before my eyes

When will it be too much?

Backpacks

Day 61

Backpacks hang, limp and empty by the door

My sister’s birthday is the only thing on the calendar

May is usually busier than December

Overflowing with events and celebrations

Gone before I know it, leaving me dizzy from the whirlwind.

I had been looking forward to this May

Able to notice the world turning toward warmth

Marking the growth of gardens and the filling out of trees

I had been looking forward to enjoying this slower unfolding of May.

Instead, I hear distant echoes of celebrations,

Like walking in to a banquet hall after a castle has turned into a museum

Looking past the descriptive plaques and peering out the windows 

Almost picturing the twinkling eyes, almost hearing the clinking of glasses

‘What was it like, when this world existed?’

There are eight days of school remaining

The mood is normally crackling with electricity, 

Excitement for the coming summer, sadness to say goodbye, 

promises to see you next year!

Now the air is flat, the normal effervescence gone, like a flute of bubbly left out overnight

This school year will end with a small, sad sigh

A Zoom wave goodbye

The sound of a chromebook lid closing

And no idea what comes next.

Packing

Day 57

Noah had plenty of warning, time enough to build and collect exactly what he needed.

The Buddha knowingly took nothing.

Frodo thought he had Gandalf and that would be enough.

Had I known this was coming

What would I have gathered?

What would I have taken a moment to care for, to notice,

To wrap tenderly for this journey?

Could I have picked the right books to grace my shelves and feed my soul?

Which people would I have met for coffee, or even hugged?

Could I have harvested their presence and saved it for today?

Would it have made any difference?

Had I known this was coming,

I would have done things differently.

I would have meandered in and out of the shops on Pearl Street

Taking care to hold the door

and witness ordinary life flow around me.

I would have loaded up my ams with books

About beauty, about quiet creativity

About romance and tender love.

I would have bought four more journals,

And a big sack of bread flour.

Although it wouldn’t have made any difference.

Precipice

Is this the moment

Is this the time

The bend, the shift

The beginning of the end?

Had we reached the top

And now already started descending down the other side

Of civilization as we know it?

There is always a moment,

It seems in hindsight,

Of teetering.

Of course we won’t know until it’s too late

Erosion starting at the bottom

Whisked away until we are all standing on air

like Wyle E. Coyote

Finally the crust will fall, in a pile of empty mansions and un-dyed hair

But in our slip, 

what else could rise?

Today I miss everything

Remember everything I said yesterday?

How I was fine and even thriving 

And I could probably do this forever?

Forget it all. 

That was yesterday.

Today I miss everything.

I miss spontaneity.

A quick trip to the grocery store

Having friends for a last minute dinner

Ending up with a kid-less Saturday evening

I miss freedom

To have coffee and conversation with friends, 

while looking them in the eyes.

To eat excellent food, cooked by someone else.

To plan summer adventures.

I miss the quiet, calm of my empty house

Knowing my people are out there, living in the world.

I miss reconnecting with my girls

The sudden burst through the front door, 

Filled with indignation and the drama of the day.

I miss looking forward to the sound of the garage door,

announcing Shaun’s re entrance into the family,

Just in time for dinner

I miss the ebb and flow of normal life

Even if it was busy

Even if it was cluttered

Even if the break has been good

It Took Time

It took time to find a footing                                       

To stop my eyes from expecting the constant spin              

When the merry-go-round stopped

and we all slowed down                                 

It took time to trust my surroundings

To realize I could open my eyes wide

When the glitter, normally whirling around in my snow globe,

softly landed, piling delicately at my feet.

It took time to adjust to the stillness

The unmitigated days, weeks, months

The stilled rumble of the engine that was life ‘before’ 

The underlying lack of expectation.

It took time to adapt to this new calm

The constant presence of my family, 

Their unabating need to eat something

The perpetual emptiness of my calendar.

Now I want to harmonize with the current I feel running through my soul

The tune of my own knowing

I want to wade deep into this slow, wide river and figure out how to stay there

How to bring this peace into the ‘after.’

Together

Fear spreads faster than the virus

Like a shadow creeping slowly across the landscape

Darkness allows for misinformation, sleight of hand, disbelief

The White House swings wildly from one story to another

Uncertainty tightens its grip

The nation holds its breath

Lock-down

Stay-at-home

Quarantine

Social distancing

Flatten the curve

Normalcy hits pause

We free fall down the rabbit hole,

Dragging the stock market with us

Grasping at canned beans and toilet paper

Tearing loose roots of civility, customs, and freedoms

Some have hoarded paper towels to cushion the bottom

Others land hard without anything at all

Like shadow dwellers, we grab Lysol, Clorox, hand sanitizer and flour,

Retreating to our own dark corners

Fear turns us all into bakers

The dust settles, a new normal begins

Celebrities lounge in 10,000 sq ft mansions

Domestic violence cases rise 25%

Tech workers hit resume from at home offices and carry on

Schools provide drive by meal kits so kids won’t starve

We zoom happy hours, sing alongs and church

Schoology crashes as millions of students try and log in 

There are free audio books, painting classes and workout routines

16 million people file for unemployment

Beaches in Georgia remain open

Black and brown bodies are buried in mass graves in NYC

“We are all in this together”

We are not all in this together.